Identifying and Improving Boundaries
A boundary is defined as “a line that marks the limit of an area” according to dictionary.com. From Wikipedia, personal boundaries are defined as “guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits. They are built out of a mix of conclusions, beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and social learning”.
In relationships, a boundary is a limit (or rule) between you and another person in order to keep you mentally, physically and emotionally safe. Boundaries can also establish who is responsible for specific behaviors/tasks. Boundaries are healthy for ALL relationships because it helps us maintain safety and stability.
Boundaries can be very loose to very rigid and healthy boundaries tend to fall in the middle of those two extremes (depending on the situation or nature of the relationship).
Soft/Loose boundaries – A person with soft boundaries does not maintain their boundaries and lets others push boundaries with them. They also feel guilt if someone else is hurt based on their action/in action.
Rigid boundaries - A person with rigid boundaries is closed or guarded so that others cannot get close to them. This protects them from hurting, physically or emotionally, from the other person. Rigid boundaries can be selective with people, time, circumstances, and are usually a protective response for the individual when feeling unsafe.
Flexible boundaries - A person with flexible boundaries is aware of what to let in and what to keep out of their personal space (mental, emotional, physical).
Types of Boundaries:
1. Physical Boundaries - involve personal space and physical touch. Healthy physical boundaries include awareness of what is appropriate, and what’s not, in various settings and types of relationships. Physical boundaries may be violated if someone touches you when you don’t want them to, or when they invade your personal space of your body or your belongings. Physical boundaries may refer to behaviors such as hugs, kisses, handshake, physical proximity to another person, and others’ ability to access your personal space. It’s important to take into account the nature of the relationship, and age of the other person when establishing boundaries.
2. Emotional Boundaries -refer to a person’s feelings. Healthy emotional boundaries include awareness and rules around when to share personal information, what to share, and who to share the vulnerable information to. It is viewed as healthier to slowly share vulnerable information when developing a relationship instead of doing a full disclosure of every life event the moment of meeting someone or anyone. Emotional boundaries can be violated when someone criticizes, invalidates or gossips about your emotional feelings and experiences.
3. Material Boundaries - refer to money and possessions. Healthy material boundaries involve setting limits on what you will share, and with whom. For example, it may be appropriate to lend a car to a family member, but probably not to someone you met this morning. Material boundaries are violated when someone steals or damages another person’s possessions, or when they pressure them to give or lend them their possessions. 4. Intellectual Boundaries - refer to thoughts and ideas. Healthy intellectual boundaries include respect for others’ ideas, beliefs, and opinions. This does not mean that everyone has to agree on all thoughts, beliefs, ideas, and opinions but it does mean that we respect others even when there is a difference. This boundary includes topics like spirituality, religion, politics, morals, etc. This boundary may be violated when someone dismisses, criticizes or belittles another person’s thoughts or ideas.
5. Sexual Boundaries – refers to all aspects of sexuality including preferences and desires. This includes touch, pressure, and beliefs about sex and/or sexuality. Violations to this boundary occur when there is unwanted sexual touch, pressure to engage in sexual acts, sexual comments, unwanted leering, or invalidated feelings about sex and/or sexuality.
6. Time Boundaries - refers to how time is used. This usually refers to how a person spends their time with each area of their life such as work, self-care, family, friends, hobbies, etc. Time boundaries can be violated when another person demands too much of your time, is critical when you cannot meet their needs, or guilts you for not spending enough time with them.
We learn boundaries through relationships and experiences (this is Social Learning mentioned above). Many things can influence our boundaries:
Culture – Cultural guidelines tend to guide our boundaries about what is public versus private. This includes boundaries with physical touch, proximity, gestures, information that is sharedwith others.
Gender – Men are socialized to set and maintain boundaries with assertiveness and aggression. Women are socialized to not stand out or make others feel uncomfortable. When women set and maintain boundaries, they are viewed as “mean, bitchy, aggressive”.
Religion/Spirituality – Different religions or spiritual practices can also guide boundaries with what is private or public. Some practices teach people that everything is private it happens with family. Some encourage people to share everything with everyone and discourage any privacy.
Age – Different ages have different boundaries. When a small child stares at someone or grabs at someone, we view this as “acceptable” or maybe even “cute”. When an adult stares at someone, they are viewed as “weird” or “aggressive”. When adults grab for someone, they face potential legal consequences because the adult should have learned to not touch anyone without permission. Younger kids also have more acceptancewith being brutally honest or asking questions where adults do not get acceptance for these behaviors.
Family Dynamics – Every family has their own culture that is also influenced by the above factors. Families model what boundaries are accepted by their responses to other family members. I work with a lot of clients that learned from their families that they could not set boundaries because the family would not respect the boundaries, would criticize them, or would consequence them. I have some clients that grew up with very rigid boundaries and did not learn how to be flexible with boundaries.
Signs You Need to Change Your Boundaries
1. You take responsibility for other people’s thoughts, feelings and actions or make them responsible for yours.2. You are angry and resentful towards others.3. You make excuses, or allow, poor behavior from others and feel like you are sacrificing your wants/needs.4. You feel like you “explode” at times to feel heard by others.
Setting and Maintaining Boundaries
1. Tune into your feelings – Observe your own red flags that boundaries are getting pushed or crossed by others. Common red flags are: discomfort, resentment, anger, panic, worry, unimportant.
2. Identify your limits and be direct – Think about what you are willing to tolerate and accept, what makes you feel comfortable and uncomfortable, or what makes you feel stressed. Clearly define and state your boundary with others. Communicate in a respectful and empathetic way to others when defining your boundary.
3. Give yourself permission to prioritize yourself – Doubt, guilt, and fear stop us from setting boundaries with others. Give yourself permission to set boundaries that are good for you and know that you are not responsible for the others’ feelings or beliefs. This might be totally different than how you have treated yourself in the past. It is ok to put yourself first!
4. Start small – Practice setting boundaries and maintaining boundaries with people, things, and circumstances that feel less uncomfortable or risky. This will help you build confidence and requires less personal risk. As you do this, you will find it easier to set your authentic boundaries and maintain your boundaries. Remember that you are learning a new skill so it will take time.
5. Self-care and support – This involves putting yourself first by doing things for yourself that help you feel good and centered. This may be spending time with friends, taking a bath, reading a book, exercising, meditating, etc. This also involves asking for support from safe people. Ask others to help you with setting and maintaining boundaries by holding you accountable, brainstorming options, and processing discomfort that may come from setting and maintaining boundaries.
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Helpful Resources
https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/
https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/
• good worksheets and examples for kids and adults
Written by: Minon Maier, LMFT