Managing Emotions Through the Holidays

There is a lot of talk about managing grief during the holiday, but we don’t talk about managing ambiguous loss, conflict, stress, and other heavy emotions. Yes, grief flares up over the holidays because holidays are often associated with the loved one(s) that died. The other thing is, all the other emotions tend to flare up around holidays too.

 In the U.S., there is a belief that holidays are “cheerful” and “time with family and friends”. We live in a society that runs on profits so there is more pressure this time of year to spend money on family, friends, co-workers, bosses, etc. There is more pressure to spend extra time with family, friends, and co-workers for holiday gatherings. For some, this is a time of dread. If you relate to this, you are not alone. Holidays can be hard on mental and emotional health for a few reasons including, down time, financial stress, time with unhealthy family, seasonal depression, and grief related to loved ones that died.

The holiday season usually provides more time off for people. Adults either take days off or are given time off from work. Students have weeks off from school for winter break. This means that there are less distractions for underlying hurts and traumas. Many people function by staying busy and avoiding the underlying hurts and traumas. When there is down time, they don’t know how to manage it and it feels overwhelming. 

Financial stress puts people into fight of flight, or survival mode. If there is overspending on gifts, that means there is more worry related to paying bills and being financially secure. There is pressure to buy “good gifts” which may mean pressure to buy more expensive gifts. Some people have grown up in homes where there were guilt trips for gifts. Some grew up in poverty or financially stressed homes, so holidays had a negative vibe due to scarcity. 

For some, families are not safe (mentally or emotionally). For people that grew up with mental or emotional abuse, it is hard to identify the upbringing as unsafe or unhealthy. For these people, time with family is confusing because it brings up anxiety, sadness, grief, frustration, and guilt. There are family gatherings and gift exchanges, and some feel guilty for not attending or may not have an option to not attend. College students returning home, may have nowhere else to go. This causes more anxiety and depression. For people that grew up in homes with inconsistency, addiction, anger issues, or lack of resources, this time of year is a reminder of all the unhappy times.

 If you relate to any of the above, please know that you can do things differently this year. Try the following to help you navigate stressors:

1.     Set boundaries – think about boundaries around time spent with other, financial boundaries regarding how much you will spend, and emotional boundaries for what you will tolerate and what you will not. 

2.     Give yourself permission to take breaks – you can always step out of a gathering for 5 minutes or even leave early. You can take multiple breaks if needed.

3.     Have a safe person – this can be a friend, partner, or family member that can attend events with you or create excuses for you to leave. This person may be a good person to validate your experiences and help you think of options. 

4.  Avoid substances - alcohol and other substances can negatively impact your mood. Most holiday parties have alcohol involved and some people choose to use other substances (vaping, marijuana, mushrooms, etc.). If you are feeling depressed or anxious, these substances do not help in the long run. It may be tempting to “numb out” but this sets you up for other consequences like lack of boundaries, physical symptoms, and worse mood.

5.     Know that you are not crazy or bad – if you struggle this time of year, there is nothing bad about you and you are not crazy. Difficulty with emotions is a symptom of your underlying hurts and trauma. These are signals that more healing is needed.

6.     Pre-plan time for self-care – this is critical during stressful times. Please take time as often as you can to take care of yourself. This may look like taking a nap, talking with a friend, working out, watching your favorite movie, or doing something nice for yourself.

7.     Try to stay in the present moment – if you start to get overwhelmed, stay in the here and now. Think about that moment and not the next days or weeks. The more you focus on the future, the more overwhelmed you may become.

Remember, you are not the only one that feels like this around the holidays. If you feel like you cannot manage on your own, feel free to reach out to us. If there is an immediate safety concern, please call or text 9-8-8.